anxiety · death · depression · introspection · mental darkness · self-awareness · survival · Uncategorized

Death and me

fann

When I was two, I told my parents that life wasn’t fun, because we were all going to die.

Later on, I would often find myself awake at night, on the edge of a panic attack, thinking of death. Not just mine or my family’s, but of the end of the universe.

When I was six, my dad asked me to throw away an empty bottle. It had the skull and crossbones on it. I was sure that just the mere fact of having touched it meant I was going to die. I laid down on the living room couch, looking out the window. ‘Goodbye sun’, I said to myself. ‘Goodbye trees, goodbye clouds…’

When I was seven, I came downstairs after bedtime to use the bathroom. On the television was a documentary about AIDS. Back then it was pretty much a death sentence. They were talking about seropositive people. My blood type is O+. I thought it was a zero. And zero and ‘’sero’’ sound very much alike. I was sick and I was going to die, and no one had told me…

When I was nine or ten, I started reading Stephen King books and crime novels. My fascination for horror, violence, paranormal and crime would go on for many many years. It was maybe a weird way to cope with the anxiety of death, but it was a strangely efficient one.

When I was eleven, I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist, or maybe a researcher. So other kids like my cousin wouldn’t have to die like he did.

When I was twelve, I started writing my own horror stories.

When I was thirteen, I wanted to grow up to become a famous author, but also a medical examiner.

When I was fifteen, my “History of the 20th century” paper was about serial killers, my chemistry paper was about cyanide.

When I was seventeen, something big happened. Someone threatened my life. And I was trapped. Nowhere to go or escape. And it lasted for a while, maybe hours. I was told that even if they didn’t get me that day, it would happen at some point later. That they weren’t making a threat, they were making a promise. I moved out the same day. For several months, I spent my time looking behind my back, wondering if every car following mine was someone trying to find where I live. I spent my time both scared that I’d get killed, and wishing to not be part of this world anymore. I started writing poetry and drawing about macabre and dark themes.

dechu

When I was eighteen, that fear of being found went away, but it was replaced by a crippling depression and desire to die. It will never go completely away from this moment on. Unable to concentrate, I failed my science classes. I will not be going into medicine, after all.

When I was twenty, I decide that I will kill myself once I turn thirty. At this point, I reason, my friends won’t be needing me anymore, as they’ll have families and lives of their own. So it will be a good moment for me to go.

When I was twenty-seven, a combination of the antidepressants that I was taking to treat fibromyalgia and the death of a good friend gives me the strength to do some big changes in my life.

When I was thirty-one I gave birth to my son. Despite all the bad things that could happen with a pregnancy, I was not anxious. I was oddly serene about it all. As soon as he was born though, the anxiety came back. My heart is so full of love for him that I hurt thinking I could lose him.

Nowadays, I don’t like horror as much, it tends to make me too anxious. I still love crime things, but I feel much more horrified by it. I still love medical things, but I don’t think I’d ever be able to study in that field anymore. I still stay awake at night sometimes, thinking about my son or my husband dying. I don’t look at the stars very often, because then I will think about the universe dying. Sometimes I still wish I was not alive.

I wish I could say things got better. But they haven’t, not really. I wish I had faith in something so strong that I wouldn’t fear anymore. And even though I might believe there’s the possibility of something beyond death, it’s not strong enough to keep the anxiety at bay. So until then, I will try to keep taking it one day at a time, and not think of the future too much. And I will keep finding a strange comfort in the dark, in the macabre, in the uncanny and in the strange.

humor · insomnia · introspection · mental health · self-awareness · sleep · Uncategorized

Yeah, I know. I love you, too.

My brain and I have often had an adversarial relationship where sleep is involved. Yes, yes, I know my brain is part of me, but sometimes it helps to take a step back from one’s brain and realize that you don’t always work well together, even though it’s really the brain working with the brain and um, yeah this is going nowhere…

Aaaaanyway, over the years, I have documented these moments with my brain. The moments when we have not been simpatico about sleeping or waking. I’ve been writing down these small brain conversations for 6 years now, and somehow I think they will continue for ever and ever.

February 7

Me: Hokay brain we need to get up a little bit earlier than usual.
Brain: How’s this!! 3am!
Me: Nooooooo! I meant like 4:30, this is waaaay too early. Back to sleep!
Brain: How about now? This is good right?
Me: NOOOOO! Now it’s 3:10 wtf? BACK TO SLEEP!
Brain: Now?
Me: GAAAAAH! Now it’s 3:20!
Yes, this continued…

March 18

Scene – 12:30 am in my bed
Brain: Hello!!! Weird dream, huh?
Me: *hopeful* Um, yes, uh, hi, I’m going to roll over and go back to sleep.
Brain: Ah yes yes, but first! You need to think about and have imaginary conversations and arguments about this entire giant list of things! 😀
Me: But none of that is anything I can do anything about right now! What the fuck?!!?!!?
Brain: I know, delightful isn’t it? Bwahahaha!

Me: *sigh*

June 20

Me: Loo deee doo, going to sleep, lah de dah…
Brain: Imma think about every single thing that happened today, not in a bad way, but just go through it all again.
Me: But, but, I’m trying to go to sleep.
Brain: I don’t care about that, I need to think about everything that happened. Remember when that one person said that one thing? Here, let’s think about that.
Me: But I’m really tired and I have to get up early…
Brain: Nope, nope, sorry, oooh, remember that sandwich you had for lunch, let’s think about that sandwich
[TIME PASSES]
Brain: All right, I guess I’m done now, you can go to sleep
Me: Finally! Whew!
Cat: Imma play with your feet with my claws!

September 5

Me: Loo dee doo, goin’ to sleep
Brain: Hey! Know how you stayed home and leisurely played with your kid all day? Well, imma think about everything you didn’t do because you did that!

Me: But…but, I’m trying to go to sleep, I can’t do anything about any of those things right now!
Brain: Yeah, I know! But you stayed home so…
Me: (eleventy hours later) Gaaaaah! Seriously I can’t do anything about any of that shit!
Brain: Oh, almost forgot, you know that song about glory glory hallelujah teacher hit me with a ruler? You get that on mega super duper repeat too!

Me: NOOOOOO!

October 22

Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Holyshitimgonnabelate! Hey! It’s only 2 am!
Brain: I know! Cool huh!
Me: No dood, that was really mean!
Brain: Well, I scheduled the next two hours for you to think about what a horrible person you are, so get going!
Me: I don’t want to do that, that sounds terrible!
Brain: Sorry! Them’s the rules!
An hour later
Me: I’ve got it, I’ll do word games in my head, ha!
Brain: Nooooooo, then you’ll get all tired and we have an hour left!
Me: Suck it brain! Hahahaha!

October 23

The continuing saga…
Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Holyfuckingshitimgonna…hey! You did this yesterday! And at 2 am again!?! What the fuck?
Brain: I know! But today instead of laying in bed thinking about what a horrible person you are, we’re scheduled for 2 hours of really random shit.
Me: I don’t like that plan either! I mean…
Brain: Roller skates
Me: Look I don’t like this either, can’t we…
Brain: Marshmallows are weird
Me: Glargh! I don’t care about marshmallows! I just want to…
Brain: What if windows were rhombi?
Me: *sigh*

October 31

Brain: Wake up wake up wake up!
Me: Whatheholyshitisit… Hey! It’s 3:45 in the morning!
Brain: I know, cool isn’t?
Me: No, that’s the worst kind of uncool, my alarm goes off in 1/2 hour so there’s not even a full cycle if I drift back off!
Brain: Well, that’s all right because we’re scheduled to think about all your allergies and how you need to let the ER people know about them in case you ever have to have emergency surgery.
Me: That’s just ridiculous, look, I’ll just get a new MedicAlert bracelet and tell Alex.
Brain: Pffff, your paltry solutions do NOTHING about this level of anxiety bwahahaha! I’ve already released the panic chemicals, bwahahaha!
Me: Fuck you very much, brain
Brain: You’re welcome, it’s a service I prov… Hey!

November 4

Brain: Wake up! wake up!
Me: Omyfuckin…. Hey! Dood it’s only 1 am!
Brain: Muahhaha… Wait, what? 1 am?
Me: Yeah, daylight savings, you know?
Brain: Oh, huh, well, sorry about that but you are scheduled to think about that stuff from your kid’s school for the next hour or so.
Me: But I can’t do anything about that right now! I have to talk to everyone about it and they’re all asleep!
Brain: Too bad, them’s the…
Me: Ooh look! Alex is awake! I’m at least going to talk about the stuff I need to talk to her about! Woo!
Brain: Nooooooooo!

November 28

Brain: please be for thinking about every thing you’ve done wrong for the past two years!
Me: All night?
Brain: Allll night long, and now you get to think about Fifth Element mixed in with all that, bwahahaha!!
Me: *sigh*

December 19

Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Omithor I gotta get ready for… Hey! Not this shit again, it’s only 2 am!
Brain: I know! Isn’t it delightful! But this time we have TONS of shit to worry about. Let’s see… First we’ll start with a musical background of Solstice songs you’ve been practicing for your program, then we’ll worry about how some of the present stuff isn’t here yet and Yule is Saturday, and we’ll round that shit out with you thinking about how you’ve wrapped nothing yet and how the hell are you going to get that one thing on Friday.
Me: Yeah, this shit just isn’t funny anymore.

December 21

Me: Aaah, is it time to get up?
Brain: Oh yeah, totally!
Me: No it’s not! It’s 2 am!
Brain: Oh, is it? Well, we need to think about what your boss did for a couple of hours.
Me: What? No! It’s the weekend! I don’t want to think about that!
Brain: Oooh! What if she came to your diversity class! Let’s do your whole diversity speech for her!
Me: No! Wait! I don’t want to do that whole speech!
Brain: Too bad! Once you start it, you have to do the whole thing. It’s like that ‘Come Sail Away’ song by Styx.
Me: Fuuuuu… now I have my speech and that song running through my head!
Brain: You’re welcome!
Me: *sigh* I hate you, brain.
Brain: Yeah, I know. I love you, too.

 

 

 

 

genderfluid · introspection · nonbinary · poem · self-awareness · self-discovery · who am I · writing

Who am I?

For so long, I hid who I am, from myself and everyone around me.

I realized something about me was different.

I’m not like other humans, not even sure I AM human.

Figuring out who I am has been a confusing uneven pothole-ridden path of discovery

I tried being straight and cisgender (identifies with the gender assigned at birth) first, I mean that’s what we’re supposed to do, right?

Then I tried a cis lesbian, nope, not quite right.

What about a trans man? Maybe that’s me?

Do I want to be more masculine? Well, yes, but also glittery.

I want to dye my hair all kinds of colors.

I want to wear three piece pinstripe suits.

But sometimes I like wearing sparkly dresses and skirts.

Sometimes I wear all black and nothing else.

Makeup? I do like eyeliner with wings, dark black eyeliner or sparkly eyeliner.

But men don’t wear eyeliner, do they?

I don’t feel like I can do any of that or all of that..

And sometimes, I don’t have the energy to do it at all.

Trying to be what I want when I’m being told to be different every second of every day is rough.

I am constantly pushing back against what society tells me to be.

Society says I should be heterosexual, or at the very least a lesbian,

but no, I push against that and I am bisexual.

Society says I should be a woman because that’s what I was assigned at birth,

but no, I go against that and I am trans nonbinary genderfluid genderbereft.

Society says I should be thin and exercise all the time,

but no, I am fat, I enjoy food, and can’t usually exercise, thanks pain and arthritis.

Society says I should be neurotypical,

but no, I am not only all kinds of mentally ill, but also autistic and flappy and stimmy.

It feels like every fucking aspect of my life is me pushing back against what society says I should be or do or have

and let me tell you

it’s

mother

fucking

exhausting.

Sometimes I just want to give in and be what I’m being told to be.

It would be so much “easier.”

But when I do that, I hate myself more than I can describe.

And I realize I wouldn’t be me.

Being authentic to yourself gives you strength.

So now I just need to figure out who the fuck I actually am.