My brain and I have often had an adversarial relationship where sleep is involved. Yes, yes, I know my brain is part of me, but sometimes it helps to take a step back from one’s brain and realize that you don’t always work well together, even though it’s really the brain working with the brain and um, yeah this is going nowhere…
Aaaaanyway, over the years, I have documented these moments with my brain. The moments when we have not been simpatico about sleeping or waking. I’ve been writing down these small brain conversations for 6 years now, and somehow I think they will continue for ever and ever.
Me: Hokay brain we need to get up a little bit earlier than usual.
Brain: How’s this!! 3am!
Me: Nooooooo! I meant like 4:30, this is waaaay too early. Back to sleep!
Brain: How about now? This is good right?
Me: NOOOOO! Now it’s 3:10 wtf? BACK TO SLEEP!
Me: GAAAAAH! Now it’s 3:20!
Yes, this continued…
Scene – 12:30 am in my bed
Brain: Hello!!! Weird dream, huh?
Me: *hopeful* Um, yes, uh, hi, I’m going to roll over and go back to sleep.
Brain: Ah yes yes, but first! You need to think about and have imaginary conversations and arguments about this entire giant list of things! 😀
Me: But none of that is anything I can do anything about right now! What the fuck?!!?!!?
Brain: I know, delightful isn’t it? Bwahahaha!
Me: Loo deee doo, going to sleep, lah de dah…
Brain: Imma think about every single thing that happened today, not in a bad way, but just go through it all again.
Me: But, but, I’m trying to go to sleep.
Brain: I don’t care about that, I need to think about everything that happened. Remember when that one person said that one thing? Here, let’s think about that.
Me: But I’m really tired and I have to get up early…
Brain: Nope, nope, sorry, oooh, remember that sandwich you had for lunch, let’s think about that sandwich
Brain: All right, I guess I’m done now, you can go to sleep
Me: Finally! Whew!
Cat: Imma play with your feet with my claws!
Me: Loo dee doo, goin’ to sleep
Brain: Hey! Know how you stayed home and leisurely played with your kid all day? Well, imma think about everything you didn’t do because you did that!
Me: But…but, I’m trying to go to sleep, I can’t do anything about any of those things right now!
Brain: Yeah, I know! But you stayed home so…
Me: (eleventy hours later) Gaaaaah! Seriously I can’t do anything about any of that shit!
Brain: Oh, almost forgot, you know that song about glory glory hallelujah teacher hit me with a ruler? You get that on mega super duper repeat too!
Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Holyshitimgonnabelate! Hey! It’s only 2 am!
Brain: I know! Cool huh!
Me: No dood, that was really mean!
Brain: Well, I scheduled the next two hours for you to think about what a horrible person you are, so get going!
Me: I don’t want to do that, that sounds terrible!
Brain: Sorry! Them’s the rules!
An hour later
Me: I’ve got it, I’ll do word games in my head, ha!
Brain: Nooooooo, then you’ll get all tired and we have an hour left!
Me: Suck it brain! Hahahaha!
The continuing saga…
Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Holyfuckingshitimgonna…hey! You did this yesterday! And at 2 am again!?! What the fuck?
Brain: I know! But today instead of laying in bed thinking about what a horrible person you are, we’re scheduled for 2 hours of really random shit.
Me: I don’t like that plan either! I mean…
Brain: Roller skates
Me: Look I don’t like this either, can’t we…
Brain: Marshmallows are weird
Me: Glargh! I don’t care about marshmallows! I just want to…
Brain: What if windows were rhombi?
Brain: Wake up wake up wake up!
Me: Whatheholyshitisit… Hey! It’s 3:45 in the morning!
Brain: I know, cool isn’t?
Me: No, that’s the worst kind of uncool, my alarm goes off in 1/2 hour so there’s not even a full cycle if I drift back off!
Brain: Well, that’s all right because we’re scheduled to think about all your allergies and how you need to let the ER people know about them in case you ever have to have emergency surgery.
Me: That’s just ridiculous, look, I’ll just get a new MedicAlert bracelet and tell Alex.
Brain: Pffff, your paltry solutions do NOTHING about this level of anxiety bwahahaha! I’ve already released the panic chemicals, bwahahaha!
Me: Fuck you very much, brain
Brain: You’re welcome, it’s a service I prov… Hey!
Brain: Wake up! wake up!
Me: Omyfuckin…. Hey! Dood it’s only 1 am!
Brain: Muahhaha… Wait, what? 1 am?
Me: Yeah, daylight savings, you know?
Brain: Oh, huh, well, sorry about that but you are scheduled to think about that stuff from your kid’s school for the next hour or so.
Me: But I can’t do anything about that right now! I have to talk to everyone about it and they’re all asleep!
Brain: Too bad, them’s the…
Me: Ooh look! Alex is awake! I’m at least going to talk about the stuff I need to talk to her about! Woo!
Brain: please be for thinking about every thing you’ve done wrong for the past two years!
Me: All night?
Brain: Allll night long, and now you get to think about Fifth Element mixed in with all that, bwahahaha!!
Brain: Wake up! Wake up!
Me: Omithor I gotta get ready for… Hey! Not this shit again, it’s only 2 am!
Brain: I know! Isn’t it delightful! But this time we have TONS of shit to worry about. Let’s see… First we’ll start with a musical background of Solstice songs you’ve been practicing for your program, then we’ll worry about how some of the present stuff isn’t here yet and Yule is Saturday, and we’ll round that shit out with you thinking about how you’ve wrapped nothing yet and how the hell are you going to get that one thing on Friday.
Me: Yeah, this shit just isn’t funny anymore.
Me: Aaah, is it time to get up?
Brain: Oh yeah, totally!
Me: No it’s not! It’s 2 am!
Brain: Oh, is it? Well, we need to think about what your boss did for a couple of hours.
Me: What? No! It’s the weekend! I don’t want to think about that!
Brain: Oooh! What if she came to your diversity class! Let’s do your whole diversity speech for her!
Me: No! Wait! I don’t want to do that whole speech!
Brain: Too bad! Once you start it, you have to do the whole thing. It’s like that ‘Come Sail Away’ song by Styx.
Me: Fuuuuu… now I have my speech and that song running through my head!
Brain: You’re welcome!
Me: *sigh* I hate you, brain.
Brain: Yeah, I know. I love you, too.