genderfluid · introspection · nonbinary · poem · self-awareness · self-discovery · who am I · writing

Who am I?

For so long, I hid who I am, from myself and everyone around me.

I realized something about me was different.

I’m not like other humans, not even sure I AM human.

Figuring out who I am has been a confusing uneven pothole-ridden path of discovery

I tried being straight and cisgender (identifies with the gender assigned at birth) first, I mean that’s what we’re supposed to do, right?

Then I tried a cis lesbian, nope, not quite right.

What about a trans man? Maybe that’s me?

Do I want to be more masculine? Well, yes, but also glittery.

I want to dye my hair all kinds of colors.

I want to wear three piece pinstripe suits.

But sometimes I like wearing sparkly dresses and skirts.

Sometimes I wear all black and nothing else.

Makeup? I do like eyeliner with wings, dark black eyeliner or sparkly eyeliner.

But men don’t wear eyeliner, do they?

I don’t feel like I can do any of that or all of that..

And sometimes, I don’t have the energy to do it at all.

Trying to be what I want when I’m being told to be different every second of every day is rough.

I am constantly pushing back against what society tells me to be.

Society says I should be heterosexual, or at the very least a lesbian,

but no, I push against that and I am bisexual.

Society says I should be a woman because that’s what I was assigned at birth,

but no, I go against that and I am trans nonbinary genderfluid genderbereft.

Society says I should be thin and exercise all the time,

but no, I am fat, I enjoy food, and can’t usually exercise, thanks pain and arthritis.

Society says I should be neurotypical,

but no, I am not only all kinds of mentally ill, but also autistic and flappy and stimmy.

It feels like every fucking aspect of my life is me pushing back against what society says I should be or do or have

and let me tell you

it’s

mother

fucking

exhausting.

Sometimes I just want to give in and be what I’m being told to be.

It would be so much “easier.”

But when I do that, I hate myself more than I can describe.

And I realize I wouldn’t be me.

Being authentic to yourself gives you strength.

So now I just need to figure out who the fuck I actually am. 

 

child care · children · mental health · parenting · self expression · special needs · writing

I’m a parent to a special needs infant.

I’m a parent to a special needs infant. There I said it. It’s a thought that I’ve been juggling around in my brain but haven’t been brave enough to express. Before I go further let me show you the definition of special needs.

Special Needs
PLURAL NOUN
(in the context of children at school) particular educational requirements resulting from learning difficulties, physical disability, or emotional and behavioural difficulties.

‘the absorption of children with special needs into mainstream schools’

  • Oxford Dictionary

Without going deep into my background I suffer from feeling like an imposter quite often. Up until now saying I’m a parent to a special needs child scared me. Honestly it still does. Instead of being scared of what other parents might say I’m scared of how I’m going to help my child succeed. Being scared is good because now it’s motivating me to proceed with helping my son.

In severity my son’s needs are incomparably small compared to many special needs children. That doesn’t exclude him. He may present as a normal child. That doesn’t mean he is. He has made a lot of progress. This does not mean there wasn’t ever a problem. In fact his progress is an accomplishment and testament to how hard he and I have both worked.

My son at 16 months is a caring, loving, friendly, beautiful, fun, independent, determined, inquisitive, deep thinking, special needs soul. I’m honored to raise him as a single work at home mom with pride.

art · cartoon · comic · creativity · how to · Inktober · self expression · Uncategorized · writing

A Simple Thing You Can Do to Art Up Your Life!

I never claimed to be an artist, some people have said I am, but I’ve never felt particularly arty.  Maybe some of that is because I see other people who can whoosh down to a canvas and create an amazing painting or careen over to a piece of paper and write a story that captivates. But I enjoy doing art, and I enjoy the feeling of being involved in something arty. Problem is, there’s this life thing that interferes, like constantly. So, what’s a person to do when they want to art, don’t have time to art, have a family, a job, a cat who wants you to know they really ought to be fed on a constant basis, and need to do sundry self-care things like eating food, bathing, etc? Well, I don’t know what YOU should do, but I know what I tried.

I got my first idea back in September 2017. Some of my friends are comic artists and other artists. They were gearing up for Inktober. For those who don’t know, Inktober (inktober.com) was started in 2009 by Jake Parker. It is a challenge where you make an ink drawing for each day in October using a prompt list. Prompts for 2017 included words like divided, ship, squeak, and crooked. I decided to give Inktober a try, but I would do a 2-3 minute sketch rather than trying to do some big art thing. And I would try to do whatever came to mind and most importantly, try to have fun with it. My drawings ranged from super quick sketches to more complicated drawings (days when I actually had 10 or so minutes to spare).

And I did it! I got behind a couple times, but was able to catch up. I did a little art almost every single day of October and it felt really good!

As October was coming to an end, I realized I didn’t want to stop, but I also didn’t want to keep doing the same thing. November is NaNoWriMo (nanowrimo.org) which stands for National Novel Writing Month. It’s a challenge every November where you can sign up and try to write a 50,000 word novel in that month. I did do it one year, but knew there was no way I would be able to this year (see above explanation about the busyness of my life!). So, I decided to start a different thing using the art of writing this time. I created a list of prompts for each day in November and started #TinyWriter.

RArt4

For every day in November, I wrote a 2-3 sentence fiction story. Some were better than others, but I was still arting! Every day! It felt amazing. Here are a few examples:

#TinyWriter Nov 1 “Pants”

It turns out it was the pants. I never thought pants could do something like that, but they could. So, I put them on, felt super happy in them, and walked out the door into a new life.

#TinyWriter Nov 15 “Moon”

“It’s my favorite, the moon” they said dreamily, “so beautiful and round and powerful. The moon gives me power.”

“It does? I just kind of look at it sometimes, but I never cared much about it.”

“Well, no one’s perfect, my friend,” they said gazily at the moony, “no one’s perfect.”

#TinyWriter Nov 24 “Dragon”

“You look like you’re draggin’ ha! Am I right?”

“Really? You know I could actually eat you, don’t you?”

“Pfff, you won’t eat me, you’re totally a vegetarian dragon.”

*Sigh* “I know”

You get the idea. It was a lot of fun! I didn’t do anything formal for the months after that, but I have continued with a monthly art theme. In December, I decided to learn how to do woodburning and woodburned ornaments for family and friends for the holidays. I decided to focus on coloring in my coloring books in January. For February, I have been working through a therapeutic coloring book I have that has exercises to help with survival (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/582580124/seven-strengths-a-coloring-book-for-resiliency).

I have been really proud of being so arty, for a person who never felt like much of an artist. And doing something simple has made it easy to stick with it. So, how about it? Want to join me?